Rowan's Birth Story

My doula asked me to type up my birth story to share on her blog and in a book that she is currently in the process of writing.  I also wanted to record my thoughts and memories from my experience for our own family records.  It's extremely challenging to adequately express my thoughts and feelings about something so intimate and personal as the birth of my baby, but I hope I was able to record at least a fraction of what the experience was for us.  Warning: It's LONG and detailed.  The audience is our family and women who want/need to know all the details to help them prepare for their own birthing experiences.  If you're interested, feel free to read, and if not, we won't be offended.

PS--I am planning to update my blog and explain the radio silence of the past 4 months....soon.  We moved, it was the holidays, started a new job, and had a baby.  I feel like I have at least 4 very valid excuses for not writing, but am a slacker nonetheless.  It will come soon.

ROWAN'S BIRTH STORY

From my 20-week ultrasound on, I knew that I would be having a scheduled cesarean section with our first baby girl Daphne. Due to a defect in her abdominal wall that would require surgery, the doctors recommended it as the safest way for her to be born. I was heartbroken, feeling that it would pave the way for the rest of my births. My husband and I knew that we wanted several children and I didn’t want this to limit our family or be the way that I welcomed all of our children into the world. We researched her condition and found that there was no conclusive evidence to support a c-section as a safer mode of birth for our daughter. We presented our findings to both the perinatologists we were working with and the pediatric surgeon who would be operating on Daphne when she was born. The surgeon found no problem with it and ultimately the perinatologist scheduled to deliver her said the decision would be ours, but “if it were my baby, I would have the c-section.” In the end, we felt that it would be the best path for us, hoping that it would minimize stress for the baby.

Daphne’s birth was an emotional experience because there were so many unknowns about her health. I, however, felt very detached from the birthing process, since I didn’t “birth” my baby, but rather had her cut out of me. I was not an active participant in her birth at all. She was born first thing in the morning, healthy and strong and recovered quickly from her surgery. We got a brief glimpse of her immediately after birth before she was whisked off to the NICU for evaluation and prep for surgery. I was only able to really see her that night after the surgery was over and she was sleeping. It wasn’t until the next day that I got to hold her while hooked to monitors, IV’s, and tubes, and several days later began to breastfeed. While my c-section recovery was uneventful and fairly smooth, it was still a grueling and painful process. I couldn’t function normally for a long time and it took a significant amount of time for my body to heal.

When we found out we were expecting our second baby, I knew immediately that I wanted something different from my first experience. I’ve always known and trusted my body to be an amazing thing, created with everything needed to successfully birth a baby. Even though it was explained to me over and over again by medical professionals that a c-section was just as safe as a vaginal birth, I felt that it couldn’t be, since my body was designed to birth babies. I felt like I had missed out on a fundamental part of being a mother and a woman by not being allowed to go through the process of birthing my baby and that I missed an important step in bonding with my baby in the process.

Nearing the end of my pregnancy I knew that we would be moving to a new state due to my husband’s graduation from graduate school. Once we knew where we were headed, I immediately started searching out information to help me achieve the birth that I wanted. I knew that several states had bans on VBAC births and was pleased to find that California did not. As I searched the internet for resources in the LA area, I kept coming across the names of several people who were active advocates for VBAC births, one of whom was a doula in the South Bay area named Patricia Grube. I had never heard of a doula before and began looking into it. As I talked things over with my husband, we decided that a doula would be instrumental in helping us achieve a successful VBAC birth by helping us navigate the complicated medical system and firm up our expectations and desires for birth. I also came to the conclusion that I would most likely be successful in having a VBAC if it were unmedicated—another reason we decided that a doula would be helpful to us. I knew that finding the right doctor and hospital would be key in getting us where we wanted to be and asked around in the church congregation we belonged to, as many of the women had given birth to one or more children recently. I contacted Patricia with our story and asked for her advice as well. Her recommendation for a doctor lined up with one that I had already been referred to by several of my friends from church and it ended up being the perfect person to help us. Dr. Richey was excited with our decision to pursue a VBAC birth and agreed that a doula would be helpful. Thankfully, the hospital that she worked through had recently lifted a VBAC ban and was making progress towards helping more women achieve VBAC births by having a hospitalist available 24 hours a day. Even though I knew that Dr. Richey likely wouldn’t be delivering me, I felt she was key in my VBAC success because of her practices. She never guessed at the size of my baby, which helped me not to worry about the possibility of the baby being “too big” for me to birth and also allowed me to pass that information along to the hospitalists that I worked with during my labor when they might have been concerned. She was respectful of my wished to move around during labor and as a result, I believe the hospital staff, knowing her style and preferences, respected those more “alternative” aspects of my birth plan.

We chose Patricia as our doula after interviewing several, feeling like she was the right fit for us. I attended her prenatal yoga classes as well for the two months we were in California prior to the birth. The week I was due, my husband was required to attend a week long training meeting in Pennsylvania, bringing him home late on Friday March 8^th when I was due on Sunday March 10^th. I was very anxious that I would go into labor while he was gone, and he was able to make arrangements with his company that should I go into labor, they would fly him home as quickly as possible. My cousin came to stay with me that week and we tried to take it easy and keep things quiet so that baby girl would wait until he was home.

When I was awakened around 3am on Thursday morning, March 7^th with cramping and discomfort, I tried to shrug it off and ignore it, thinking and hoping it was just some indigestion or maybe some stronger Braxton Hicks contractions. They kept me awake on and off until morning when I realized they were coming every 10-15 minutes or so. I called my sister and she insisted that I needed to get Van on his way home since that’s how early labor had felt for her. I told her I would contact Patricia and see what she recommended. Patricia told me to call the doctors office and see if they could check me to see if I was progressing at all, but that it might be best to get Van on his way home since it was a six hour flight plus scheduling and transportation time. I called the doctor’s office and they sent me to the hospital for a labor check. Meanwhile, Van made arrangements to be home by that evening. I went to the hospital with mildly uncomfortable contractions, which they ended up timing at 7-10 minutes apart, but with only fingertip dilation and 60% effacement. She said I was nice and soft though and that it was a good thing my husband was on his way home. I continued with the same feeling throughout the day, with some a little more intense than others and the pressure and discomfort increasing through the evening. Since it was still quite manageable, I decided to drive to the airport to pick up Van, however, during the hour that I ended up driving around and waiting for him in the car, the discomfort intensified. We made it home and decided to head to bed and get whatever rest we could. After going to bed at about 11:30pm, I woke up around midnight, unable to manage the contractions lying down. I decided to let Van sleep and managed early labor on my own, finding that being on my feet was the most comfortable. I tried to sleep on the couch, sitting up a little and also leaning over the arm of a large comfy chair to preserve my energy. I spent the time blowing up my birth ball and testing it out to manage contractions. I took a bath with candles around to relax, which was wonderfully soothing, but again found it difficult to manage the contractions without being on my feet. I eventually determined that the most comfortable thing for me was to lean against something while doing a figure 8 with my hips.

I began timing my contractions as early morning approached, feeling they were getting more consistent and uncomfortable. By 5:30am I was timing them consistently at 5 min apart and was feeling the need for some support. I texted Patricia and she asked if I could wait a little while to wake Van and/or go to the hospital. I knew I could, so I told her I’d keep her posted and work through it on my own. I woke him around 7ish and we showered together with me leaning on the wall and Van doing hip squeezes for me throughout. We finished getting our bags all ready so that we could be prepared and Patricia made her way over to our house by about 8:30. My 2 ½ yr old daughter had woken up and was bouncing around the house, climbing on me during contractions and wanting to play with the birthing ball. Van made me a couple of eggs and I drank some orange juice although I didn’t feel much like eating. With everyone awake and lots going on, my contractions spaced back out to about 7-10 minutes apart. Van continued to do hip squeezes through each one and we also used the birth ball for sitting and leaning on. His support was amazing throughout the labor process. He rubbed my shoulders, stroked my face and caressed my back and arms. He was constantly by me and I didn’t want him anywhere else. We slow danced through a lot of contractions with me hanging on his shoulders.

Patricia left us around 11am to teach her prenatal yoga class and suggested we try to nap. Van and I both reclined on the couch a bit and were able to nap briefly—about 30 minutes, before contractions began waking me again. Daphne and my cousin left, and I was able to relax a little more, knowing that Daphne was taken care of and would not be a distraction. I remember trying hard to focus on the contractions being productive and bringing me closer to my baby, rather than the discomfort I was feeling. Patricia had recommended listening to my relaxing playlist that I had put together with jazz and classical. I didn’t know if I’d really want it or not, but actually loved having something to focus on. I enjoyed singing along to some of my favorite songs. I remember crying with joy as Van and I embraced and I looked at our family photos on the wall, realizing that soon there would be another sweet little girl to add to them and that what I was experiencing was bringing her closer to us. I also cried joyfully as I listened to the words of Iz’s version of “What a Wonderful World” when he sings about babies crying and watching them grow, excitedly anticipating our new little one.

Patricia returned by about 2pm, and by 2:30, my contractions had picked up again and were about 4 minutes apart. Patricia recommended that we wait until they were closer to 3 minutes apart before heading to the hospital. She also suggested that maybe we go for a walk in an area with hills in the neighborhood to potentially speed things up. We did so, and contractions slowed again, with only 3 or so in the 45 minutes we were out. Once we got home Patricia suggesting that we try going up and down the stairs. My body fell into a pretty good routine of getting through one trip up and down before I would have a contraction. I was breathing heavily through each one and vocalizing to help me manage it. Patricia was wonderful, giving me suggestions of things to do to help labor progress a little more quickly and help with my comfort. When I would start to lose control during contractions, she would help me to focus and clam myself by reminding me to breathe, keep my vocalizing grounded and low instead of high pitched, and often moaning along with me. It was hard to know what I wanted and what would help me, but each of her suggestions were wonderful, from food, to music, to essential oils to ease nausea and give energy.

I remember feeling discouraged as the hours went on and things weren’t progressing very quickly. Patricia would ask each time I used the bathroom if I was having any bloody show, and each time there wasn’t anything there, I felt like that meant we were still far from where we needed to be. As evening neared, she suggested that we try lying down. I was petrified to lie down since when I had done so before I had felt unprepared for the contractions and it seemed that it brought them on more strongly, but decided to try it anyway since I had been up the better portion of the two previous nights and was exhausted from being on my feet so much. We lay down for a few minutes and I immediately jumped out of bed with the intensity of the first contraction that I had, during which I also started to feel a great deal of pelvic and rectal pressure. I told Patricia and she had me sit on the toilet for several contractions, when finally I started to have some bloody show.

I was concerned that I might struggle with the managing my contractions on the car ride to the hospital, and since contractions had gotten closer to 3-4 minutes apart by this time, we made the decision to head out. We arrived at about 10 o’clock and by 10:30 I was admitted, dilated to 4 ½ centimeters, 75% effaced, and -1 station. My night nurse was wonderful, allowing me to move around freely while still being hooked up to the monitors. She also never once asked me to rate my pain or about pain medication. My contractions were continuing to get stronger and more painful, sometimes lasting several minutes and I was starting to feel extremely tired. In the early morning hours on Saturday, as I was laboring on the birth ball with Van behind me to support me, I was falling asleep between intense contractions. I would nod off and Van would catch me and make sure I didn’t fall. I began to feel as though there would be no way I would make it to the end if it weren’t close. I told Van and Patricia that I really wanted to consider the epidural and asked the nurse to check me to see where I was. I was at 6cm with a bulging bag of waters, having progressed only 1 cm from the last exam I had had 4 hours previous. Since things were progressing so slowly, we decided to go ahead with a light dose epidural, which allowed us all to rest for several hours.

At about 7am, the night shift hospitalist came in to discuss breaking my water in order to progress labor. She said several things that seemed threatening about my lack of progress and needing to hurry things up or they’d need to do a c-section. She tried to find my water bag, and was unable to locate it. I had felt several gushes throughout the evening and had mentioned it to the nurses, but everyone had said it wasn’t my water breaking. We discussed possibly doing a dose of pitocin, but I decided to wait a little longer. My contractions had spaced again to 4-5 minutes apart. My new nurse Fereshteh (which means “angel”) came in about about 9am to do a vaginal exam and I was dilated 7-8 cm and the baby was at zero station. I remember loving my epidural because I could still feel and move my legs, but was relieved of the pain. I could still feel intense pressure, however, which I preferred so that I could know how things were progressing. By about 10am I was starting to feel the pressure more intensely and the pain was returning. Patricia had recommended that I not press the epidural button to relieve the pain, but I wanted just a little longer to relax, so I did. It didn’t last very long, however, but allowed me to rest a tiny bit longer between the contractions again.

By 10:45 I was beginning to feel intense rectal pressure, like I needed to go to the bathroom. A vaginal exam showed that I was 8 ½ cm dilated and 100% effaced. At this time Patricia had me on my side moving my leg up and down, hoping to open things up. I focused on relaxing and visualizing my cervix opening and the baby moving down. My contractions continued to be spaced a little further out than was desirable as I was continuing to feel increasing pressure, and Patricia and I discussed the benefits of introducing a low dose of Pitocin to bring them closer together to help with the pushing phase. At 11:45 they gave me the lowest dose of Pitocin and my contractions quickly moved to every 3 minutes apart. By noon, I felt the pressure that I had read about in other birth stories and knew that I needed and wanted to push. I was asked to blow through my contractions, which in my mind at the time was the most ridiculous thing anyone could request of me, the urge to push with them was so very strong. I was checked and I was 9 ½ cm dilated. Ferry turned off the Pitocin and by 12:15, I could no longer hold off pushing. Ferry checked me again and I was finally dilated to 10 cm and the baby was at +1 station. The new hospitalist, Dr. Mimi Hong was not available as she was delivering another baby and I was again asked to blow through several more contractions. I was angry and remember shooting a death glance towards Patricia, who whispered to me that anyone could catch the baby. Blowing through the contractions was impossible and I ended up pushing through parts of several I was asked to resist. Finally, at 12:25 Dr. Hong became available and I was told I could actively push. I did so on my side for a while and then in a semi-reclined position. During this time my epidural was turned off, although I hadn’t felt like it was doing too much in the time prior to that.

I remember feeling relieved that they were anxious for the doctor to be there, as Patricia had specifically requested that they not bring the doctor in until it was really necessary, allowing me the space to progress and not have everyone standing there staring at me and waiting.

As we waited for the pushing contractions to start, I remember looking up at Van and saying that maybe God would bless us to have a short pushing phase since the rest of my labor had been so very long, and silently praying that it would be so. Although I could fully feel the contractions coming on, all I wanted was for the nurses and Patricia to tell me when to push and for how long. It was wonderful to hear them cheering me on and telling me what a great job I was doing. I couldn’t care less who was in the room or what else was going on, I was very focused on just pushing and getting my baby girl here as quickly as I could. It was still very surreal to me that it was really happening. They gave me oxygen as one point during the pushing process, which helped me to breathe more deeply. After one of my pushes they all said they could see the head. I could feel it, like a bowling ball between my legs, but again, it was difficult to grasp and I remember asking if she was really there. Patricia told me to reach down and touch her head, which I did. It helped give me motivation and strength for those final pushes. Right before my final contraction that brought her out, my playlist got to one of my favorite songs from labor, Iz's version of “What a Wonderful World/ Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. It was her birth song, and at 12:49, my baby girl Rowan Jane Willis was born! They placed her directly on my chest where I could cuddle her and look at her. I was still in disbelief, but it was heavenly and we were elated. The doctor allowed the cord to pulsate completely before Van cut it and I was able to easily deliver the placenta without any extra pitocin. I did have a 2^nd degree tear, which the doctor said was mostly due to Rowan having her arm up near her head. After we were all taken care of, the doctor and nurses left me, Van and Rowan to have a quiet hour together as a family to bond. The baby breastfed right away on her own and it was lovely to just be together and delay the bathing, weighing, etc… She weighed 8 lbs, 13 oz and was 21 inches long with a 14”head! We are thrilled to have her here and especially grateful that our birth plan was so closely followed and respected and that things went so well considering the circumstances. My recovery has been amazing in comparison to my c-section and I really felt back to normal, minus the sleep deprivation, after about 2 weeks!

I know that we were guided in this process to the right people to help us achieve a peaceful, healthy birth for our baby. I've been reflecting on the whole process and am amazed by the positive feelings I have about it all, despite the pain I experienced and how long and exhausting it was. I look back fondly on how grateful I felt for everyone that helped and supported me during labor. I felt such intense love for Van as he supported me through such a long and physically intense process. I feel blessed to have been able to birth my baby the way we did and especially for the sweet baby girl that it brought to our family!